Hurt

December 15, 2009 at 1:26 am (December 2009) (, , , )

So I guess the purpose of a blog is to voice what I am feeling when I am feeling it, and I’ve been posting pictures in my previous blog posts, so it’s time to change it up a bit, albeit in a depressing manner.

I’m about to find out what it feels like to go to bed alone, and with tears streaming down my face. I hate this.

Have you ever wanted anything so badly that you’re willing to kill to get it, or even kill yourself if you don’t? That’s me right now. At this very moment, on the brink of life and death. Ready to give it all up over a dream that may not come true. I may be exaggerating a bit, but damn did that feel good to say. It definitely did.

As tears well up, I can only say that I don’t know how to handle all of this. I refuse to get into the details of it all because people that I know may be reading this and I refuse the let them into my life if they aren’t already an intimate part of it, but I feel like all I’ve done for the past 2 or so years is fuck up and fuck myself over. It’s a really sucky feeling to have, but it’s the one feeling that hasn’t left my being since my freshman year in college. The really agonizing part is feeling this over and over again and knowing that I’ve journeyed too far to make a viable change in my deplorable situation. The constant depression that washes over me at times like this makes me want to die, as I feel as if my last reserves of oxygen have been stripped from me and I am gasping for what will never again be mine. Ever.

As I question my intentions, and look for alternatives, oftentimes coming up empty-handed, I feel alone. Even though I have people supposedly by my side, it’s inevitable that I always feel alone in all of this. I hate that what I portray outwardly to others isn’t what gets handed back to me in return, I ALWAYS come up short. Always. And god-fucking-dammit it’s frustrating. So frustrating that I want to stop what i feel in anyway that’s the quickest and the most pain-free. That would be true bliss. Floating away from it all….but then I remember….

I kept getting told by people, ‘it will be alright’ or ‘everything will work out’. Fuck that advice. And honestly, fuck those who tell me dismissive shit like that. It’s annoying as hell. Those who say that say that only when they KNOW they’re in a good place in their lives and just feel sympathetic for those who are not. Screw off. I only listen to those who can honestly tell me from experience that things will be okay. Have you lived what I’m feeling right now? No? Jump in a lake. Yes? Hand me a tissue and when I’m ready we’ll talk. A hug isn’t going to make the situation better either, so those who offer a hug in an attempt to make things ‘better’ are fooling themselves more than they are me, so don’t do it.

I try. God knows I try to make this all better, but as the minute and hour hands slip away from my grasp, I panic. When I panic, I only work harder to improve myself, only to repeatedly come up short, once again. Surprise, surprise. I should be used to this by now, but I’m not and I refuse to just settle with what I get, but fuck, I cannot seem to do better for myself.

What am I supposed to do now? I have no one to talk to about this, and the people who think they can help just need to realize that they can’t do shit for me right now.

Nothing and no one can make me feel better, so if you wouldn’t mind,  just fuck off.

Thanks.

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4 Comments

  1. Random Thinker said,

    pieces of advice are like assholes… everyone has one and most of the time they stink

    you have your own answer… its all yours to control. and you’re right that know one can make you feel better – other than yourself.

    so, my worthless, stinky piece of advice… just do sometihng, it’s a better thing than just giving up.

    and i will go now to fuck off.

  2. Dave said,

    I do kno how u feel I’m only happy win I’m sad or hurt I want it but I never saw it that way for a long time in not satin your the same way but maybe and if not idk what to tell ya I don’t kno shit about u

    • The Verbose Vixen said,

      Dave. That day I was just feeling kind of down in the dumps and since blogging is one way I decided to get my feelings out there, I wrote about it. I didn’t include specifics as what was making feel the way I felt that day because some people I know read my blog and I didn’t want to implicate anybody, but just know that I felt pretty damn bad that day. Thanks for your comment!

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